Counseling Session of Really Evil Stuff
by Red Witch
Summary: Gaz sees the new skool psychologist. This won't take long...


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters is in therapy somewhere. This is just madness you get when you watch way too much TV. MADNESS! **

**Counseling Session of Really Evil Stuff**

"Hello! Gaz is it? I'm Ms. Happyheart, the new Skool counselor," A petite, blond happy woman welcomed Gaz as she went into the office. "Have a seat."

Gaz sat down. "I'm glad to meet you. You will be my first student to council at this school," Ms. Happyheart grinned. "I must say after glancing at your file I'm surprised that you requested a session. But I am so happy to help young girls like yourself blossom into…"

"Okay let's skip the crap and get right on with it," Gaz interrupted.

"Uh yes," Ms. Happyheart coughed. "I suppose this is a bit unusual. Me being here. What with all the previous skool councilors uh…"

"Going missing or insane?" Gaz raised an eyebrow.

"Well yes. I know this is quite disturbing losing three counselors in under two years," Ms. Happyheart coughed.

"Four if you count the one that set himself on fire after only a day," Gaz shrugged.

"Set himself…on fire?" Ms. Happyheart blinked.

"Guess he didn't realize how bad smoking was for you," Gaz said with a straight face.

"O-kay…" Ms. Happyheart gulped. "Well what seems to be troubling you Gaz?"

"Do you want the short list or the long? Trust me. There is a very **long** list."

"I see. Let's start with any issues you have at home. What about your mother Gaz? My files say nothing about her," Ms. Happyheart asked. "Is she…?"

"Gone."

"Oh I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Just did."

"And your father…?"

"Still alive but never home," Gaz admitted. "He's gone most of the time too."

"I see. And your brother…Dib?"

"He's **gone** but unfortunately his body and his stupid big mouth are still **here,**" Gaz said. "That's part of my problem."

"Go ahead and tell me about it," Ms. Happyheart said.

"Well it all started last Saturday morning. Dad was out doing science stuff. And Dib was…Well being Dib. Which is pretty bad," Gaz explained.

_Flashback…_

"I know he's out there Gaz! He's out there plotting! And thinking up evil stuff…"Dib suited up in a black one piece spy gear.

"Dib shut up. I'm trying to draw! Can't you understand that I'm trying to draw and your stupid voice is **not** helping me?" Gaz shouted as she threw a piece of paper at him.

_"My brother was acting like his usual stupid self," Gaz explained in a voice over style. "Just kept talking for no reason. Always babbling about his stupid paranormal stuff and things he was going to do with his friend Zim." _

"I WILL DESTROY HIM!" Dib yelled.

"I'll destroy **you **if you don't get out of here and leave me alone!" Gaz yelled.

"Why don't you want to help me? Earth is your planet too!" Dib asked. "What you **want **humanity to be destroyed?"

"YES!" Gaz shouted. "Now go away!"

"Sometimes I just don't get you Gaz," Dib shook his head and left the house. "Look if I'm not back by seven tape Mysterious Mysteries for me okay?"

"Not a chance," Gaz went back to her drawing.

_Back to the present…_

"Gaz did it ever occur to you that your brother wants to play with you?" Ms. Happyheart asked. "That he just wants to spend time with you?"

"Yeah. So? What's your point?" Gaz gave her a look.

"Why don't you continue?" Ms. Happyheart sighed writing something down in her notes.

"It turned out that Dib would be the **least** annoying thing that would happen to me that day," Gaz went on. "Because not even ten minutes after Dib left the house…"

_Flashback…_

Gaz was sitting there drawing in the living room when the door slammed open. "HA! TODAY IS YOUR DOOM DIB!" Zim stormed into the room. Not only did he have a disguise on but he was wearing strange shiny black pants.

"Dib's not **here,**" Gaz told him. "Go away Zim!"

"Come out Dib and face your doom!" Zim cackled. He waved a small object in his hand. "Today with my shiny new pants of destruction and my new brain scrambler I shall eliminate you forever! Bring out the Dib so Zim may scramble his brain in his oversized head!"

"Why? Dib's brain is **already** scrambled," Gaz gave him a look. "And by the looks of it, so are **yours**."

"Do not try to protect him Earth Female!" Zim said.

"I'm not," Gaz said. "Go scramble his brains if you want to. I don't care."

"You try to hide him! But it will be in vain, for I have…NEW PANTS!" Zim displayed them proudly.

"They look kind of dorky," Gaz raised an eyebrow.

"THESE ARE MY PANTS!" Zim said proudly.

"And this is my **fist!** If you don't get out of here I'll **use **it!" Gaz made a fist.

"These magnificent space pants will spell **doom** for Dib! MUAH HA HA HA HA!" Zim cackled. "DOOM I SAY!"

"Zim! Dib is **not** here! Go away!" Gaz yelled. "Now where the knives when I need them?"

"Tell me where your brother is Gaz! Tell me and my glorious pants!" Zim yelled.

"He left for your house," Gaz snapped as she went to a drawer. "What? They can't **all **be in the dishwasher!"

"Tell the pants where Dib is! The pants **command** you!" Zim yelled. "Obey the pants!"

"Great the forks are all gone too?" She looked around. "And the dishwasher's running. Just perfect! All the deadly utensils are being washed! Just my luck!"

"Tell the pants where Dib is!"

"I just told you! Dib went to your house!" Gaz shouted. "Maybe if I whack him over the head with something heavy…?"

"ZIM COMMANDS YOU TELL HIM!"

"LOOK MUSH FOR BRAINS!" Gaz grabbed him by the collar. "READ MY LIPS! DIB IS NOT **HERE!**"

"Wait…Dib's not here?" Zim blinked.

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING THE LAST FIVE MINUTES!" Gaz screamed as she shook him.

"You don't have to yell," Zim snorted.

"GRRRR! Zim, Dib is probably trashing **your base** while you're over here trashing my house!" Gaz shouted as she shoved him away.

"What?" Zim blinked.

"Dib is over at your base trashing your stuff!" Gaz shouted. "I can't make it any more clearer than that!"

"What are you saying?" Zim blinked.

"For crying out…" Gaz fumed and grabbed her pad and paper. "Pay attention! This is you! This is **your house**!" She drew some pictures. "This is Dib! This is Dib going to your house while you are going to this house! This is Dib trashing your house! And this is me breaking **your spine** for annoying me!"

"Wait are you telling Zim that the Dib Stink is at his base?" Zim was stunned.

"YES! NOW GET OUT!" Gaz screamed as she threw the pad at his head.

"Zim shall leave! Pants! Take Zim to his base!" Zim commanded. Somehow the pants began to glow and turned into rockets. He flew through the window.

"These people get weirder every freaking day," Gaz groaned.

_"After Zim ran out, I thought that was the end of it," Gaz said in a voice over. Omitting the flying pants of course. "Unfortunately for me when Zim left he forgot his…pets. And they made a real mess of the place." _

"WHEEEEEEE!" Gir flew around on the back of Minimoose. He had a can of whipped cream in one hand, spraying everything in the house.

"GET BACK HERE YOU FREAKS!" Gaz chased them around with a baseball bat.

_End flashback…_

"Two hours I chased those little freaks. They got whipped cream over everything," Gaz groaned. "I didn't even get to hit them. But I did get to hit someone else…"

_Flashback…_

"Good afternoon Little Girl! Have you heard the good news? AAAAAAAAH! NO! NO!" A pair of religious converters screamed in horror as Gaz beat them soundly with a bat.

"GO AWAY! YOU ANNOY ME!" Gaz screamed.

_End flashback…_

"So you just beat them with a bat?" Ms. Happyheart was stunned. "Why? I know they're annoying but…"

"To paraphrase Ian Faith in Spinal Tap," Gaz explained. "In the topsy turvy world of my life, having a good piece of wood in my hand is often useful."

"You've **seen** that movie? Aren't you a little young for that?" Ms. Happyheart asked.

"Duh. No parental supervision remember?" Gaz gave her a look. "Will you let me finish?"

"O-kay…" Ms. Happyheart gulped.

"After I cleaned the blood off the front steps and started cleaning the house that's when my Dad came home," Gaz groaned. "And of course that's when things really began to suck…"

_Flashback…_

"But Dad it was Dib and his stupid friends that did this!" Gaz protested.

"Now honey we both know your brother doesn't have any friends," Membrane said. "Oh my poor insane son. Why doesn't he give up his insanity and become interested in **REAL SCIENCE**? WHY?"

"What about Zim? He's…sort of Dib's friend," Gaz said.

"Oh right. The green boy. Wait I thought he was the result of a couple of hangovers I had?"

"No…" Gaz struggled to hold her temper. "He's real…Unfortunately."

"Oh. Well that's not important now," Membrane waved. "I guess you're going to have to be my assistant today! Today Gaz you and I will do **real science**! Together we will work on improving life for all mankind!"

He pulled out some small costumes. "Now be a good girl and help Daddy by putting these little tap dancing costumes on the octopuses and monkeys! That's my girl!"

_End flashback…_

"I'm not going to go into details but as you can imagine that so called experiment was a bit messy," Gaz frowned. "And disturbing."

"I see…" Ms. Happyheart blinked.

"Ever try putting on tap dancing shoes on an octopus?" Gaz frowned. "They don't like it. They **really** don't like it."

"Oh my…Gaz, I want to know that I will report your neglect to the proper authorities," Ms. Happyheart gasped. "And get you the counseling you need."

"That's not why I'm here," Gaz gave her a look.

"So why did you want to talk to me then?" The counselor was confused.

"I've come to the realization that sooner or later I'm going to snap and kill my entire family and everyone around me," Gaz said. "So I figured that I'd better get some counseling under my belt so I can use it as part as my defense."

"You got that idea from television didn't you?"

"Obviously."

"Uh Gaz…You know when I said you could say anything and it would be kept secret?" Ms. Happyheart gulped. "Well anything but any threats of physical bodily harm to others. I have to report this."

"In other words you **lied** to me?" Gaz glared at her.

"Not exactly lied," Ms. Happyheart gulped feeling very nervous. "Just didn't tell you that part."

"I was **afraid** you were going to say that," Gaz pulled out a strange object out of her pocket. "Oh well. At least Zim did **one thing** right this weekend when he left this at my house!"

"Now Gaz…Please relax. I'm sure we can find some nice doctors and the right institution that can…AAAAAAAAAHHH!" Ms. Happyheart screamed as Gaz attacked. "NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Later in Ms. Bitters' class…

"So nobody in class noticed a giant hole in the wall being made by a green glowing rat and nobody even cares?" Dib yelled as he pointed to a hole in the wall. "Zim did it! He injected the class pet with some mutagen and it ran amok! Just like **last **time!"

"LIES! IT IS ALL LIES!" Zim protested. Something green was dripping from the contents of his desk. It burned a hole in the floor. "That's my lunch."

"Yeah that's just his weird lunch Dib!" Another kid said.

"Dib's acting weird and crazy again," A girl groaned.

"Zim! You have detention for bringing food in my classroom!" Bitters snapped. "And Dib I'm calling the principal about your craziness. Again! Why the devil hasn't the skool counselor knocked some sense into you by now?"

BANG!

"HEY EVERYBODY! I'M A SQUIRREL!" Ms. Happyheart burst into the room and danced on Ms. Bitters' desk and laughed. "I'm a happy squirrel!"

"Never mind," Ms. Bitters groaned. "I think I just figured out **why.**"

"Don't look at me! I haven't even talked to her yet!" Dib protested at the looks he was getting. "My appointment wasn't until this afternoon!"

"Squirrel! Squirrel!" Ms. Happyheart tried to eat a stapler like it was a nut.

"SOMEBODY GET ME SECURITY! ANOTHER COUNSELOR WENT NUTS AGAIN!" Ms. Bitters yelled into the phone.

"Is it me or does this skool go through counselors like Spinal Tap goes through drummers?" Dib asked as the Skool Security grabbed Ms. Happyheart and dragged her somewhere she would never see the light of day again.

"Who?" Screamy blinked.

"Oh right, you wouldn't know. You have parents that **care** about you," Dib grumbled. "Never mind."

"It goes up to eleven," Zim snickered.


End file.
